Aimless

Today, as I begin the second semester of my junior year in college, I realized something. I feel aimless. It seems that every one around me has a definitive goal and plan of what they are doing after graduation. For once in my life, I don’t have a plan and I am not entirely sure what I want to do when I graduate. This is a very difficult position for me to be in because I have always been a “type A” personality, being very organized and always having a plan for things that are months in advance. It makes me feel aimless, like I am floating through life without purpose. At first this was a very discouraging feeling but it has started to transform into hope.

This aimlessness came from changing my life plan last semester. I had planned to become an attorney since I was a junior in high school. The more i heard about the law field, I felt less and less drawn to it. I realized I was wanting to pursue a career in this because of the title and money that came with it, not because I loved it or felt like I could make a difference. I decided that that is not what I want to live for and put my future in. I didn’t want to put in 80 hour work weeks the first few years and have to put aside the hopes of a family and a life. I am not competitive in anyway and could not be cut throat enough to move up in the world of law. It simply wasn’t for me.

After making this decision, I no longer knew what I wanted to do. I am an English and a Psychology major and I have been told that there are basically no jobs for people with those majors. This made me panic because I didn’t have a stable career path anymore. I thought of many different options and still haven’t decided exactly “what I want to be when I grow up.” For a while the perfectionist “type A” side of me couldn’t handle not knowing. I would stay up at night in a constant worry of what to do with my life. It made me nervous, I couldn’t focus and I cry. A lot.

As I was walking through campus, I decided I don’t want to live this way anymore. I am trying to envision my situation as one full of hope and possibility. I have the opportunity to go through and find something I am really passionate about, like being an English professor. I may not know exactly what I want to do, but I do know that whatever I end up doing, it will be something I love and something that gives me purpose.

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